First of all hello, and apologies that I haven’t posted in a while (O∆O).
I wanted to make this post for a few days now, because I (think) am getting my life back in control. I don’t know if this has happened to anyone else – which it probably has, but I’ve been suffering from never being able to convince myself to go out and get things done. Now I know this sounds REALLY common but hear me out.
I think it’s laziness, BUT on an extreme level. I kinda need to know if other people have had the issue where you cannot convince yourself to get up in the morning. Now I go to college, and for the past 6-7 months I am/was almost ALWAYS late to class in the morning (like 30 minutes or so) because I missed the bus because I didn’t get up. Now this is currently still happening, but it used to be every. day. Procrastination plays a huge part in my life to the point where it controls almost every aspect of my life excluding things that I enjoy and are not important.
In short, if you have this you are unmotivated, procrastinator (on very important things like bank appointments, deadlines, you name it) and as a result, unproductive, and ending in you feeling very let down by yourself. And to complete the circle, because of your poor motivation and productivity, you are even less likely to do better. This is very serious, I leave such important things until the night before, and I get the full impact of the consequences. But you know the funniest thing? I NEVER LEARN. Repeat after repeat after repeat of events, all with the same ending.
It has gotten so bad, that for the last few months I couldn’t get out of the house other than for college. In this area, I feel like I have absolutely no control. You can tell me that ‘Oh just get out and do it’ but it won’t change anything, I promise you, something is holding me down and I can’t get up.. Something is wrong. I feel so left out and helpless. It’s like I’m watching the world go by in front of my nose, people getting things done, doing well, achieving, and I can do no more than just watch, watch from my little box with a padlock on it that won’t open for no-one. And it saddens me. Time is very rapidly speeding and all I’m doing is seeing it fly by. What happened to me? How do I fix something that I don’t understand? I feel alone.
Yes you can well-call it laziness, but this is something that stretches far beyond it. I have no idea what happened for it to get this bad. Please don’t get me wrong, I want to be productive but something that is beyond my control is stopping me, and it’s not a case of ”Ah, I don’t feel like it” anymore, it’s a case of ”But I don’t think I can” – and this is the part that worries me.
I honestly cannot imagine how stupid I’m sounding in the above, but this is the hard cold fact. Something is wrong, something is stopping me, I just don’t know what. I have BIIIG plans for the upcoming future, but after being in the state I’m in now, I don’t know how that’s going to work. I’m worried.